Shit.

So it seems this journal is fast becoming a way for me to vent my most self-deprecating thoughts.

My clothes aren't fitting. I feel awful. My face is full of pimples and I can't stand it. I am freakishly fat. I HATE looking in the mirror. I always feel in my head that I am thin and every time I see myself it is a constant surprise. When is my day of reckoning? When will I be done eating the shit I do? I can't stop myself. I fucking hate myself for it.

Roll over

I hate that I'm leaving for my honeymoon in 2 days and I am the fattest I've ever been. I can feel my back fat rolling over on itself. Who the fuck wants to see this in a fucking bikini. Damn it.

Steam

I'm struggling right now. I am so angry with myself. Every time I look in the mirror, I want to either smash it or sob. It's all I can do to get myself into the meeting tonight.

My thighs don't move anymore, they are always touching. I'm waddling when I walk. I'm so uncomfortable at night. The rolls on my back are touching when I lay down. I'm hot all the time. I get winded. I'm so angry. I'M SO FUCKING FAT!!!! I HATE MYSELF!!! I hate that I sound like I'm 15 again. I fucking hate this. I just want it to stop and go away... Where is my magic pill? My $10,000 to get lipo? Why did I do this to myself? WHY COULDN'T I STOP???

30 minutes until the meeting. I'm thankful my husband is busy in the other room. I don't want him to see me like this... I should just play some games until then so I can numb out these thoughts...

Friday and Monday Meetings

I have taken to writing during the meetings so I can go back to something here that I was thinking in there.

I'm not caring for myself as if I had a disease. First I must admit I have a disease. I have to admit that the ways I've been "taking care" of myself have not been working, that's how I ended up back at 200 lbs. I've been using food to harm myself. Not being spiritually, emotionally, and physically fit causes me to eat.

I'm lucky to have a higher power. I believe that there is a divine guidance working in every atom, causing patterns and relationships that are so much more than mere coincidences. I also believe in the collective consciousness and it's power to influence behavior and pattern. I now believe that there is a special group consciousness happening at OA because everyone has experienced and struggled with these same things in their lives. This means that MY EXPERIENCE WITH FOOD IS NOT UNIQUE. I have others I can trust and talk about my shameful behavior with who do not judge me, in fact they often nod in agreement or have tears shining in their eyes when I speak. And they all want is for me to start this journey and to succeed.

I'm lucky as hell to have Stuart who started crying on Thursday when I told him about the shame I have about my eating problem and the awful awful things I say to myself when I eat. He said that I have an incredible light and I realize that this disease is what's been covering it. My compulsive overeating and my depression have tinted it. I worked for years and overcame the horrific bouts of depression I used to have but I have been avoiding working on this.

I am beginning to recognize that depression and food addiction have always come hand in hand for me. One may start the cycle but the other is not far behind. They both want me to fail and to give in. They are my Death. I realized with my bouts of depression that it could ACTUALLY kill me if I ended up too far on the other side of sanity, if I finally did drive my car off the embankment or flyover or took too many of the wrong pills at once. But overeating? Where is the lightening strike for it? The moment I realize that it will kill me, too... Through obesity, diabetes, copd, cancer, and on and on. When will it matter? I thought my freakout weight was 200 lbs but I am still COMPULSIVELY EATING!!!

I realized during tonight's meeting that I am FULL of fear about starting this program. I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP THE PLEASURE EATING BRINGS ME!! What do I do? When will I be done with this pain? I felt this same fear when I began working on the depression. I was scared I would be different on the other side. After years of work and growth, I found out that I WAS different on the other side. I was more ME. But what pleasure and happiness can I have without food? Will my compulsions turn elsewhere?

First 24 hours

Today I went to my first OA meeting. Well really it was my 2nd. 7 years ago, I went to a meeting at the request of my then psychiatrist and walked out after about 20 minutes. I wasn't ready at all. Many events lead me there tonight.

As I'm sitting here trying to type out my thoughts, I realize I'm still afraid to let this stuff out. Not a soul is reading this journal (yet, i guess) but I am still scared to admit out loud that I have a problem with food that few people understand. I eat when I'm sad, happy, celebrating, stressed, hurting, excited, and any time I crave something. Sometimes I hide what I eat so people don't know. Surprisingly, I'm not terribly overweight. I'm 5' 5 1/2" and I weigh about 200 lbs. But I feel so awful when I know I'm binging or eating things that are horrendous for my health. I hate my stomach, my flabby arms, my thighs that chafe when I walk. Laying down on my side is getting uncomfortable.

I think I'm going to go to bed. I'm going to another meeting tomorrow.