Friday and Monday Meetings

I have taken to writing during the meetings so I can go back to something here that I was thinking in there.

I'm not caring for myself as if I had a disease. First I must admit I have a disease. I have to admit that the ways I've been "taking care" of myself have not been working, that's how I ended up back at 200 lbs. I've been using food to harm myself. Not being spiritually, emotionally, and physically fit causes me to eat.

I'm lucky to have a higher power. I believe that there is a divine guidance working in every atom, causing patterns and relationships that are so much more than mere coincidences. I also believe in the collective consciousness and it's power to influence behavior and pattern. I now believe that there is a special group consciousness happening at OA because everyone has experienced and struggled with these same things in their lives. This means that MY EXPERIENCE WITH FOOD IS NOT UNIQUE. I have others I can trust and talk about my shameful behavior with who do not judge me, in fact they often nod in agreement or have tears shining in their eyes when I speak. And they all want is for me to start this journey and to succeed.

I'm lucky as hell to have Stuart who started crying on Thursday when I told him about the shame I have about my eating problem and the awful awful things I say to myself when I eat. He said that I have an incredible light and I realize that this disease is what's been covering it. My compulsive overeating and my depression have tinted it. I worked for years and overcame the horrific bouts of depression I used to have but I have been avoiding working on this.

I am beginning to recognize that depression and food addiction have always come hand in hand for me. One may start the cycle but the other is not far behind. They both want me to fail and to give in. They are my Death. I realized with my bouts of depression that it could ACTUALLY kill me if I ended up too far on the other side of sanity, if I finally did drive my car off the embankment or flyover or took too many of the wrong pills at once. But overeating? Where is the lightening strike for it? The moment I realize that it will kill me, too... Through obesity, diabetes, copd, cancer, and on and on. When will it matter? I thought my freakout weight was 200 lbs but I am still COMPULSIVELY EATING!!!

I realized during tonight's meeting that I am FULL of fear about starting this program. I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP THE PLEASURE EATING BRINGS ME!! What do I do? When will I be done with this pain? I felt this same fear when I began working on the depression. I was scared I would be different on the other side. After years of work and growth, I found out that I WAS different on the other side. I was more ME. But what pleasure and happiness can I have without food? Will my compulsions turn elsewhere?