Shit.

So it seems this journal is fast becoming a way for me to vent my most self-deprecating thoughts.

My clothes aren't fitting. I feel awful. My face is full of pimples and I can't stand it. I am freakishly fat. I HATE looking in the mirror. I always feel in my head that I am thin and every time I see myself it is a constant surprise. When is my day of reckoning? When will I be done eating the shit I do? I can't stop myself. I fucking hate myself for it.

Roll over

I hate that I'm leaving for my honeymoon in 2 days and I am the fattest I've ever been. I can feel my back fat rolling over on itself. Who the fuck wants to see this in a fucking bikini. Damn it.

Steam

I'm struggling right now. I am so angry with myself. Every time I look in the mirror, I want to either smash it or sob. It's all I can do to get myself into the meeting tonight.

My thighs don't move anymore, they are always touching. I'm waddling when I walk. I'm so uncomfortable at night. The rolls on my back are touching when I lay down. I'm hot all the time. I get winded. I'm so angry. I'M SO FUCKING FAT!!!! I HATE MYSELF!!! I hate that I sound like I'm 15 again. I fucking hate this. I just want it to stop and go away... Where is my magic pill? My $10,000 to get lipo? Why did I do this to myself? WHY COULDN'T I STOP???

30 minutes until the meeting. I'm thankful my husband is busy in the other room. I don't want him to see me like this... I should just play some games until then so I can numb out these thoughts...